Poetry: Seeing In Threes

Being the one who discovers that your partner has willingly gone outside of the bounds of trust, and been intimate with another…and then sought to disguise or conceal it from you-is a fairly hard thing to go through.  I have had my fair share of this play out with past partners.  If you are a new reader of my blog you know that I have been more, or less, single for about 4 years now.  Still am.  And what is really interesting is to feel how these concealed and veiled relationships, no matter how much I forgive, have stacked up to have quite an impact in how I view relationship for myself.  It is sort of a wild thing to be able to honestly say that though I love people…that I have no idea if I will ever actually trust another one in a relationship setting, to be honest with me.  I am marveling at the deep impact it has on you when people you completely trust look you right in the eye and lie to you.  Even after you have looked at your issues and laid on the floor and worked through it all over and over, and seen that you somehow knew all along that it could likely happen…there is still something in you that says the truth of the matter, “no matter what my issues were, I would never cheat on someone.”  And you know it to be true.  I know that some people can’t help but cheat.  They make lousy monogamous partners and really great polyamorous ones.  Hey, just go to what is actually working for you and be  honest.  I also feel that there are seasons to life and someone who cheats can and will shift and change and never do so again to anyone. They learn the lesson once and realize how awful it made someone they love feel.  There are those as well though who went to great lengths to conceal what they were doing and looked me in the eye and held my hands and told me that I was making it up…that they were not interested in anyone else.  It is this last group that I can ever imagine them changing.  When you betray someone like that and only stop because you are caught at it…and defend your actions…that is someone with an ingrained and learned behavior that is unlikely to shift for them.

I have had the misfortune or great advantage to have been involved with all three of these different dynamics.  And at 42, have had to come face to face with one of the main reasons I am no longer dating.  I feel how very little trust I have in other people to have the ability to be honest with me in a relationship.  I can see how it has shaped me. For those who have not been flat out cheated on, you won’t get it, not really.  It has such a uniquely blindsiding effect on you on every level.  Discovering the  person you thought you were with…isn’t the person you were with is something that can’t be adequately placed into words.  And when it happens to you with more than one partner, and then more than that, you sort of end up like me.  It is easy to enjoy people’s company.  Man…I love people so so damn much.  But when it comes to considering allowing someone in close enough for an intimate relationship…I have no problem admitting that I  cannot see how I would possibly do so.  I do have a profile on a dating site, somewhere out there.  And on it I am pretty clear about how I view relationship right now.  I have it out there as an outpost of hope.  I have never cheated on anyone.  Perhaps there is someone out there who is totally as honest as I am in partnership.  But it is laughable how much I do not trust them already…and we haven’t even met.

If we did meet for tea…it would go something like this…

SEEING IN THREES

 

Sure I would love to meet you for tea,
but I have this problem…
I am seeing in Threes.

I am feeling the certainty
that this ends in more than just
you and me.
I feel the certainty
of betrayal
like a heavy blanket
waiting for it to lie upon me
with a smile
and an empty promise
of warmth.
I can imagine too clearly how it will be
how you will want more than just me…
That’s how it will be…See?
I am already
seeing in Threes.

Yes, this is very good tea.

By the way…
what will keep you
from keeping company
with someone who
keeps your secrets?
What gives you two the right to—
I apologize, I am sorry…
do you see?
We’ve only just met
and I am seeing in threes.

Oh, your a social worker?
That sounds, umm…
Hey, that man you haven’t met yet
tell me who is he?!
Who will he be?
Why will you lie to me someday?
And do we have to do the part
where you ask me to forgive you-again?
Or can we just leave the coffee shop
now
before anyone (me) gets hurt?

I am enjoying this mocha…
your smile was sweeter
but let’s leave it at that…
if we linger too long
I run the definite risk
of being informed
that I am the cause
of your many unhappinesses…
I am single
and 42
and by now filled with the memories
of every ex partner’s “you are the reason”
court room glances.

I am not the reason
you will be unhappy
in the future…
but I don’t think
you will see it that way
when we get there.
See?
You, Me…being unhappy…
I am already seeing
in Threes.

Seeing in threes?
It’s not so bad
honestly…
so long as I remain
just with me.
Which for now
is really
where
I’d rather be…

 

 

 

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About skymeetingtheground

Healer, poet, author, yogi, single father...outdoorsy guy.
This entry was posted in kundalini support, Meditations, Poetry, relationship, Sacred Intimacy, single parenting and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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