I have been wanting to write for a while now, but my calendar has been quite full with a lot of work, a lot of single parenting and a lot of surviving…or helping my kids survive some pretty challenging things. That’s what I do. The writing that I have been aching to pen has been about the “Patriarchy”. With the internet giving voice to lots of individuals…which is a good thing…it’s not hard to find the thousands of voices, newly discovered, speaking out about how awful the Patriarchy is…how men are here to control, fuck, shoot, maim, manipulate and otherwise run the lives of women (young and old) everywhere.
If you read what strong feminists are saying, it’s very intense stuff. And the bottomline that they all come to is this..”it’s because of the men”.
It’s not an easy bubble to pop. It’s a pervasive illusion that that a man, and I am one, is not really allowed to approach to dispel. Because to even attempt to dispel it means that I am perceived as just being one of the men who want to remove the voices and proof away from the Feminine.
Here is how I view things…and yep I am going to go ahead and say here is how things are…it’s not how I view them. It’s the truth.
The only way to end oppression is through love and forgiveness. If you lock on to the identity of the person who is attacking or controlling you…you have lost already. If you can group the person who has controlled you or is hurting you then you have lost. If you can presumably apply their gender or religion or nationality to others…you have lost.
And what are you trying to win? What is most important is the truth. If you are spending your life applying standards to an entire group of people based upon what has happened to you, not only are you maintaining a victimhood you are also creating a bastion that is so large and looming, it can only be something to throw rocks at…not something that will ever tumble down.
People hurt people. People seek to control others. Human beings, when they feel cornered or when they feel trapped by their circumstances, seek to manipulate others. It’s a human condition. It’s not a gender condition. These patterns are inherited generationally. They also fade generationally, but not through hate…only through love. Only by seeing all people as fallible, beautiful, awful, wonderful and all the things we have done, does one escape the gravity of the illusion that a group of people are out to get us.
People must be seen as individuals. Then we can say “I knew a person who tried to control me, who tried to take my children, who struck me.”
Everyone here is in an agreement with the others here. If you strip out the gender identity you were born with, well then…are you sure that it matters if you are speaking about someone who is a “man” or a “woman”?
When I read what feminists say about the Patriarchy (and they are speaking about men specifically) I think about who in my life has treated me the way that they portray men to be. And clearly, without exception, it is not men that have treated me that way. Without exception only the women in my life have behaved in the ways that feminists ascribe to the Patriarchy. When I approach women in my life with this, they balk, say that my examples are only rare exceptions and that I am now proof of how all men try to silence the voices of women.
When I point to articles where 12 year old girls were sold into sexual slavery by female pimps, or when women kill their own children, or when women beat their children or emotionally abuse them…I am again informed that these are just rare examples and only proof that the women that did these things were themselves victims of the Patriarchy…who never would have behaved that way otherwise.
But if you apply that logic, then isn’t every Man also a victim of men who taught them to behave that way? Then isn’t every Man a victim of a culture that teaches them to treat women that way? And while on that point…who mostly raises young men…is it men? Or women…? Last time I checked we live in a culture where women are credited, and have been, with instilling values much more so than men.
Is it helpful for me then to say that women are to blame for raising patriarchs?
You see how that feels? Awful. Defeatist. It goes in circles. Naming a group based upon gender, race, religion or region and then blaming them or judging them as a whole…it’s not just what feminists do…it’s what people do. It’s what we tend to do to one another when we feel powerless. But that doesn’t make us right. It just makes us hurt enough to not see that all we are doing is creating a space to express our anger and hurt. And that can be a positive thing…but it can’t heal the situation. Successfully hating and expressing anger towards a group of people is only a single step. The next step is seeing each person as an individual.
If you look at something from far away, it’s always easier to see something you don’t like. It’s easier to judge it, to blame it. But if you get in close, eye to eye close, you will see the pain that motivates any single person to harm or control any single other person. The moment that a groupthinker becomes an individual is the moment you lose your ability to properly box them into something you can control. Suddenly, if you look closely enough at an individual, you may see yourself in there. You will see humanity at it’s worst and best.
The thing is…is that if you look closely enough into anyone’s eyes, what happens is that the gender disappears. You will see a soul, here having a journey, assigned a task, keeping agreements…
At that level of depth, male and female don’t exist. It’s all one.
But again, if you zoom out to see people as a group, here is my zoomed out perspective. Given the life that I have had, I could blame my plight and the plight of my children on the Matriarchy, but I don’t. Men haven’t made my life harder….women have. Men haven’t sought to control and manipulate my children or me…women have. I have been passed over for promotions at jobs because I was a single father with children, by female bosses…who were in charge. The most decent men I have ever met are, for the most part, living with controlling, overbearing women who control their children, their money. The divorced and single fathers I am acquainted with are some of the best mom’s I have ever met and have dedicated their lives to being there for their children while almost without exception they have ex wives who seek to literally destroy their lives and connections with their children.
I could easily say that I FEEL like women control things. From my perspective, emotionally, they have. It’s always been a woman. So I truly get how a woman anywhere in the world could say that it’s men. But the problem we’d both run into is that these people are individuals, not genders. They are spirits in bodies…not genders. We’d have to go deeper than the level of what gender they are to get anywhere close to the truth. When I look at the people who have done the things that they have done…and the impact it has had on me, I see the agreements, I see the path, I see them as on my path for a reason. What I see is the heart of the matter. They are here for me to learn from. They are here to help me see that perceptions are only the first line of understanding. We are all here to assist one another in seeing what is true and not true about being alive.
Gender is not God. God is Love. These are just the bodies that we are given. How deep our voices are or angular or curvy our bodies are, how long our hair is or isn’t…we are just spirits discerning what is really love and what isn’t. For me, Love is God and God is Love.
Any path that casts an entire group based upon religion, gender or place as a villain isn’t based on love. And if it isn’t based on love then it isn’t based on truth.
The fact is, is that it is easier to see people as part of a group because it’s a way to be angry without letting go of it. And being angry engenders a way to feel control and safety. Do it for as long as you must. But to really be free, eventually, you must free the people you feel have hurt you from group status into that of an individual…to approach them closely, one on one..to really and truly look into their heart. Only then do you enable yourself to be freed from the same groupthink that you blame your oppressor for possessing.
Blaming men isn’t going to work.
Blaming women isn’t going to work.
Loving others…that works.
God is love.
Love is God.